It's a Mad World

Anyone here watched Donnie Darko before, heard its soundtrack "Mad World"? Or maybe you've heard "Mad World" by Adam Lambert? Well, you should listen to the original version though, if you haven't heard the original song before, "Mad World" by Gary Jules.

If you haven't heard it before, here's a download link ^^ : http://www.mediafire.com/?m2tgpghksmg

You could listen to the song while you read this, haha, might go well with the content I'm writing.

Don't listen to it too often though... you'll go crazy =)

Anyway, I'm introducing this song because... That's exactly how I feel right now. It's been a mad world for me these couple of weeks. Much much more crazy these couple of days, and maybe even more within the next few days/weeks.

If any of you have ever been to the verge of being crazy, you will somehow... somehow... know... a bit, of what it feels like to be crazy; you'll also come to realize why people actually choose to commit suicide; and what it feels like, to be pushed to the edge, all alone, like a cornered animal, angry, furious, enraged, but scared and afraid at the same time.

Life has been hectic.... busy.... and unmerciful at the same time. I'm pretty much mentally worn out day to day, but it's all thanks to myself.... me and my mind games... with this overpowering mind of mine that thinks of the most trivial things ever.

At times like this.... people usually say "I need some help...."... or "I need a break..." or... "I wish I could run away from all this!".... or "I should kill myself."

But me, because I've resolved myself that committing suicide is never something I'd do within my sane chain of thought, I have one wish right now. "I wish I can Disappear~!".... just.... to disappear, and never exist in this universe..... where nobody would look for you.... nothing for you to do... just to.... cease to exist.

But then again, I know that wish would never come true, so the next best thing I can do is "Screw this~"

 If only life were a Rubik's Cube that we could put down anytime we wanted.

This would be just what I might do.

- Screw Rubik's -

Sigh. I should get back to work.

Till the world gets madder....

Towards the End...

of another chapter in life. 3 more weeks.... and life as a student, shall be at its end.....

I'm updating less lately. I guess it's mainly because of getting caught up in all sorts of stuff, and knowing me, having an abnormal mindset and way of thinking doesn't help simplify things either.

So why did I suddenly decide to update my blog? Not much reason, just because I felt like it.....

Just about 4 minutes ago though, I was drop dead sleepy from spitting out 1000 words into 4 pages of documentation for my Final Year Project. I lay on the bed, ready so sleep. But just then, I remembered about the ulcer in my mouth, it's been there for nearly a week, and it's slow in healing. So I thought I'd give it some antiseptic assistance...

So I went downstairs, grabbed the container of salt sitting around the kitchen shelf, and shoved a pinch-full of SALT into my lower lip @_@

And here I am..... .... now... wide awake..... thanks to my idea to remedy my ulcer.

-----------------------------

For the past 2 weeks, I've been fiddling with this bugger:

What is it? You ask.

Simply speaking, it's my Final Year Project for my course. Yesh.... it's the big guy... the largest and biggest assignment for the whole 3 years in University. And my project proposal is gonna be entitled "Intelligent Surveillance and Automation System".... whatever could that mean 0_0

But yea... maybe you say it doesn't look too big or complicated from the photo... you're right. In fact it's pretty small, that whole thing can fit into the palm of my hand. Don't judge it by it's size though, cause  I assure you that after you've basically been looking though pages and pages of programming code........

for something like about 3 hours straight...... It all looks like Thai language to me. "Anyong Haseyo~"... oh, wait... no, that's Korean...

This project is due in 2 weeks. And I won't be introducing more on my project until I'm sure it actually WORKS first.... because, for now, all it can do is give a whole lot of output Errors =.="

So for now, I guess this is a short update from me.

Wanted to write longer, but ran out of ideas to write =)

So long~

The Last Free Week

Having been in Curtin Miri for the past 2 1/2 years... I just had my last free week ever in Uni life. Never will there ever be another free week for me again. (Unless I somehow get a job like... a school teacher??)

But even though I planned on actually enjoying my free week, things don't always go as planned. This free week turned into more like a stressful disaster of plans un-planning themselves and unplanned plans taking over.... like...

• some guy staying over and taking up half my bed, thus messing up my sleeping time;
• or 4 hour dinner sessions that consists of dinner topics that revolved somewhere in between 'SAW' and 'Hostel';
• or playing card games such as 'Bullshit' with people who don't even bullshit;
• Left 4 Dead and COD till 1am in the morning;
• Counter-Strike till 4am in the morning!
• spending 40 Brunei bucks on a day trip to Brunei;
• going downtown looking for something that I didn't manage to buy;
• and I just got a new game (the game isn't new) called 'BioShock', an award winning game in 2007, which scored no lower than 9.0 in ALL reviews;
• drawing anime characters from random animes;
• random photoshoots during what supposedly was my naptime;
• .... ....
• worrying about my assignments and final year project....
• yes, worrying, but not doing anything.... sigh...
• ... ...
• and so on and so forth...

But of all the stuff I did, there are 3 kinds of things, that when I do, I forget about everything else in the world, I leave all my worries behind, I stop worrying about time, food, work, everything else... and just put my all into what I'm doing in front of me. And doing those things, are the things I enjoyed doing most this free week.

Number 1, Games. I'd been playing games ever since I knew how to. And I never get bored of it. There's always new games anyway if I get bored of the old one. And right now, I'm playing this thing called "BioShock", I believe I mentioned it above... but still I'm gonna give it a quick run-through.

BioShock, released in 2007, leaped to the top of the list of First Person Shooter games in that year, I don't know where it holds out now, but I know its still bloody popular.

Anyway, the story is about a city built Underwater, called "Rapture". However, being submerged underwater, something went wrong, and soon, the whole city went to hell.

I haven't finished the game though.... in fact, I'm maybe just like... 5~10% into it... because it's a LONG game and it's toOoOo effin heart thumping to rush through it all at once.

The theme of the game is dark and gloomy, and every dark corner out there... you're gonna think something is watching you from there.

Then we have this Big Daddy and that cute Little Sister beside him, which he protects.

And in the game, you have skills like lighting people on fire, with the snap of your fingers! That's like Roy Mustang for you if you know him from FullMetal Alchemist.

Okay, enough for the game.

*********** 

My 2nd entertainment is, Photography.

When I pick up my camera and start shooting something with some inspiration. I forget about everything and just shoot.

Unfortunately though.... my photography isn't enough to help me survive.... so I can't just forget about everything else and go around taking photos.

*************

Lastly, my 3rd form of enjoyment and entertainment, isn't something I knew I could do until 4 months ago.


Drawing

Okay, I'm not that good at it, and I don't practice often. I only draw like.... 1 proper sketch a week or two... coz it takes time, and inspiration for something good to come up.

For now, I tend to draw mostly by reference of photos, pictures, or works of others, replicating it or modifying as I see possible by me =) Because I haven't had the ability to totally create something from nothing yet.

Like this piece:

Took me somewhere around 2 hours to finish... yea... I'm a bit slow at it, but never mind... I don't mind slow, I can enjoy the feeling of just being able to express myself through a pencil. And that's what I love most.

*************

However, free week is coming to an end, and I haven't started on anything solid yet. I have a massive Final Year Project which is sitting around and I'm assuming as if it's gonna build itself by itself when the time is right. I sure hope I am....

Till next time.

Future for Thought

I'm gonna be having a mid term exam in 6 hours time... but yet I'm blogging, man, I just love myself... haha. So I went to the supermarket this morning to get some milk for my breakfast. And guess what?? All I saw along the whole row of 'Dutch Lady' milk.... was a stretch of PINK!!


So today ended up being the very first time in my life... I had a bowl of Kellogg's Cornflakes with STRAWBERRY MILK!!! XO

A Bowl of Cornflakes in Strawberry Milk....

How gay...

On another note... the Semester is coming to an end.... in like... 2 months time O_O and I'm getting closer and closer to that uncertain and pitch black future of mine. As some of you may already know, I have of not the slightest most faintest minuscule idea whatsoever of what lies in store for me once I finish my studies...

Work? Sheez, I despise work... especially office jobs. I can NOT imagine.... sitting at a cubicle, 8 hours a day, wasting my life to the air-conditioners and paperwork around me. What would be my contribution to the society?? What would be my motive?? I would seriously lose track of all that.

There are Soo SOO SOoooOoo MANY jobs out there.... and in fact, I'm pretty versatile... that I believe I could do anything from being a Pâtissier (that's something like a bakery chef), to being a wandering Photographer, and I don't think I will feel bored.... anything BUT the dreadful Office. I can't help but wonder how some people manage to drag themselves to the office every 8 in the morning, and drag themselves home later at 5 in the evening.... on a DAILY Basis...

However, in the end, I guess we all still come down to one very important thing to consider.... the Tunku Abdul Rahmans.... in other words.... the Paycheck =.=".....

Hell, I don't mind being a construction site worker if they gave me a paycheck as fat as the one sitting in the office gave me; Neither would I mind dealing in drugs, but then I have the Law to worry about, and the thought of ruining someone else's life is abit.... pitiful, so that might be out of the question; or if things couldn't go worse.... you could always turn south and provide services for.... uh.... erm.... for.... *ahem*... yea, that's the one... but to me that's a long throw of my pride and dignity, I don't see that happening anytime within the realm of a hundred years to me.

It's not that I'm obsessed with money... but all I want is, to be able to live a comfortable, if not luxurious, life, where I won't have to worry about balancing my accounts just to pay the water bill next month. But at the same time.... be able to do the things I want to.... and buy the things I want, and enjoy living a life that I love.

The Future eh?.... Right now it's still a pitch black for me.... There may be monsters.... yet....

*Sigh* "I want a Time Machine..."

Thermite: Could've changed my Life

This post is about a slice of my life that I've told nobody about. But for some reason, I felt like making it a part of my blog for record ^_^ Nothing personal to it, so I don't mind telling it to the world.


About 6 years ago, in 2004. I was still a secondary school student, searching for the horizons, and at the same time, experimenting with Pyrotechnics, the art of making incendiaries, fireworks, and at it's most destructive state, explosives. Simply put, playing with fire.

I was a kind of kid who had no fears (except the fear for cockroaches I suppose), and Fire.... was my favourite subject at that time. It always kept me intrigued..... a flame.... it felt just like a living thing... like a monster, that, when you feed it, it grows. And it constantly needs food, you have to keep feeding it to keep it alive.... but feed it too much, and it becomes uncontrollable.... too little and it dies....

Then it moved along to explosives.... the coolest destructive technology up till today, of course that ignores the sci-fi vaporization technology and cryonics which is capable of freezing people within seconds, that's another story altogether. I spent tonnes of hours and money researching and experimenting... and the materials weren't cheap either.... but I still kept at it.


Well, soon enough, I was notorious in my school for playing with fire and setting of smoke screens from the classroom. Most people didn't know it was me, but heard of the incident when a classroom suddenly burst out in smoke after school. I was in Junior 3 back that. And it was fun ^_^


2 years later though. A group of people came in contact with me. For a job for me. To make things simple. Lets just say there was this store they'd been eye-ing. It sold pretty valuable stuff, what the stuff was I won't say =) you can keep guessing.

The shop however, had a metal grill that locked down the shop every night when it was closed. And they needed me to find a way to get rid of that troublesome thingy. They thought of blasting it wide, but I told them blasting it would make everyone think New Year arrived early. So I came up with the alternative method.

Thermite.

Thermite is a basically a mixture of a powdered metal and a metal oxide put together. The most common and easily obtainable combination is Aluminium and Iron Feroxide.... in other words... rust, yea... the brownish coloured flakes that peels off your car when you leave it for a month beside the sea =)

With the right proportions of Aluminium powder and Iron Feroxide mixed together, you now have a compound that when ignited, burns at temperatures up to 2500 degrees Celsius, can melt nearly ANYTHING from steel all the way to concrete.... given enough time, that is... And it also burned as bright as the SUN! (Assuming the sun was the size of your fist that is....)

However, obtaining the material was expensive. I couldn't just take some junk car left to rust and scrape all the Iron Feroxide I needed (besides, normal rust and Iron Feroxide is a tad different, but lets not get technical); nor could I get aluminium powder by what? grinding coke cans???

But there was another problem. Setting a compound that burns at 2500 degrees isn't just a let's-strike-a-match-and-throw procedure. It required something HOT enough to start the reaction.... which brings us to the introduction of Magnesium ^_^ So Magnesium is a soft metal, with ignition point 630 degrees... blar ... blar .... .... (Okay... this accidentally turned into a God damn chemistry class =.=")

Then, we come back to the question of 'expensive'. So this group of people.... offers to pay for all the materials I need to prepare them the perfect formula and everything, and of course I had to be their partner in crime since no one else would be able to handle the stuff I came up with ~.~....

Summarizing, they were inviting me to help them out in a theft, where I was to use my knowledge in pyrotech to melt down some padlocked iron grilling that's in their way. And I get a split of share in the end.

I was in a dilemma.

I was short on cash. But then again, I hadn't had a mind so corrupted to do such evil deeds.... yet.... So I contemplated the situation.... and thought it over and over. "What would I do with the money? How much could I get? What could go wrong? What if something went wrong? Am I sure about this? Do I really need the money?" And worst of all.... "What if I got caught??"

So after serious consideration, and looking at the fact that the group of people seemed pretty half-arsed and wasn't 100% sure in what they were doing.

I declined.

They wanted all the information I knew about how to come up with the thermite formula. I told them they needed aluminium powder and rust, and that's all I knew. I lied. But, it could all be found on the internet, so don't blame me if you didn't search hard enough.


But after that day.... questions kinda popped into my mind once in a while.



"What if I had done it?"

"Where would I be today if I had chosen to do it?"



I will never know the answer.

Ever.

_

Memento Vivere

"Remember that you have to Live" it means in Latin.

So life has given me a week of tuition free week to allow me to catch up with my life's pace and events. Life has been going by so fast lately.... to the point that I can't keep track of what I have to do and what I should do. Or maybe I'm just not ready for all of it.... yet...


With projects in queue, assignments on demand, studies on hold, and me emotionally frustrated about everything adds up to a single attitude which most of us refer to as "Emo".

Yet, unfortunately for me, you, and everyone out there, being emo doesn't seem to solve anything. Although for me, I somehow love to spend myself being emo and helpless =) I don't mind being emo forever if I had all the time in the world and didn't have to worry about money, haha. However, as time passes, it seems, I may not have the luxury to continue doing so anymore.

Then again, sometimes in life, many times in fact... I get soOooOo emo, when I get the feeling.... of giving up... so many times I wish I could just abandon everything and disappear into thin air.... but... I realised that... given the chance to even try... is already an opportunity itself.... to put the effort into something, you should be lucky to already do that.

There are times when you feel that.... giving up seems to be the only way. Is there such a thing where giving up is the only option, the only way out? Maybe there are times like that... but not now... not here.... to me, even if the whole world says 'give up', even if everybody disagrees with what I do, there's only one thing I trust more than my own sense of logic in this world. And that would be my instincts... or so to say, my heart, and standing by that, is what I will do throughout this life.

I remember one of the boldest things I ever said to my mom was "I'm going, whether you like it or not."... .... when she forbade me from staying over at a friend's house. Apparently I'm still the same guy who said those words, haha... and ever since then... she always acknowledged the decisions I made on my own.


Memento Vivere. Remember to Live. No matter what life throws at you, the one and only thing you have to remember is.... to live. Giving up is always easy.... just like dying... you can choose the easy way out anytime you please.

Killing oneself is just a matter of slashing your wrist, or jumping of the building, or the most painless method which is an overdose of drugs or medication. But will death solve matters? Maybe for you, it will. But just like I said.... giving up is the easy way out. Choosing to Live on, choosing NOT to give up, is the greater challenge, and requires all the courage and determination you could ever have and need.

So, however hard it is. Life has to go on. And at the same time... some things... are never worth giving up.