想要发疯的感觉。

Forgive the chinese title, because I couldn't think of any nice way to put it in english, hehe.

The heat of the mid day sun, the piling up of assignments and exams, plus the drowsiness of being half asleep, and so many things going on in my mind, just makes me wanna go crazy. There's been so many times I wish I could just change my course to another that was more suited for me, or something that I'd enjoy more, but that just isn't the option available for me.

I don't know about other people, I don't know about other subjects, but sometimes I get the feeling that my subject is like the effin hardest subject someone could possibly come up with. There's been countless times when I just don't bloody KNOW what the hell I'm reading looking at! Imagine looking at a page filled with gibberish! (gibberish means random words/language that makes no sense at all for those of you who didn't know what it is) If you can't imagine that, just imagine going to a Thai or Tamil website and try reading a page from there. That's the feeling I get when I look at my labs and practical notes.

Anyway... at least today's over, I managed to study (somehow....) and just decided to update my blog with something 'Normal' since the last few posts have been anything BUT normal.


So what have I been up to recently?

Firstly, with regards to the previous post. I decided that..... I will perform and continue with magic, until another hurdle comes along and I fall flat. With that being said, magic needs practice ^.^ and I've been kinda held up between Uni assignments, studies, and playing with my poker cards. But nevertheless, it certainly feels good being able to hold those cards once again and do all those fancy stuff with them.

Then after having my camera sitting around doing nothing for some time, this Saturday I went for a potrait shooting session with Curtin's Photography Club @ AppleBox Pictures (both of them merged into.... I dunno what they call themselves now). I'd love to upload the pictures I took, but as they are not pictures of Me but some 'hired' models, I think I don't really have the right to distribute the pictures, especially not online. Sorry ^.^


Well, have an exam coming up tomorrow. So long....


p/s: Is the post a little TOoo normal?

Magic? Coincidence? or The Will of God?

If it had not been for the phone call that came in not more than 6 hours ago, the title for my blog post today would have been "Farewell - The Art of Magic".

Just as of 2 days ago. After some heavy thoughts and consideration. I came to the conclusion.... to quit Magic. The reasons to quit were obvious, why? I guess I can say that the disadvantages outweighed the advantages.


When I first started magic, it was the hope, the creativity, the passion, and that sheer feeling that shoots through your spine when you see the magic happen... that drove me, made me learn, and strive to be better, do better. Soon, I started performing magic myself, first to close friends, then to family, and moving on to more classmates, and as 'presents' during people's birthdays....

But then, as all things improve, demands went up, expectations grew, people wanted to see more, more stunning, more obvious, more impossible. People who have seen one will wave you off with a "I've seen that one, show me another"; People who didn't know how to appreciate would grab the pack of cards from your hands and scrutinize each card to check for tricks and cheats.

Furthurmore, I lacked the courage to perform in the street, and this led to a lack of audience, a lack of exposure, and consequencially the lack of experience.

Besides that, after practicing magic for some time.... I came to realise, I had a problem, with the most important instruments I use during my performances: My Hands. I had hand tremors. Even when I'm holding a soup spoon and just slurping the soup out of it, my hands tremble; When I hold a fishball at the end of a pair of chopsticks, my hands shake; Magic performances didn't make things better, with the added excitement, nervousness and stress, sometimes my hands trembled so much that I would drop cards and perform wrong tricks.

Lastly, magic wasn't a cheap sport. Well, its cheap in a sense that all you need is a deck of cards (in MY case), and a more expensive deck of cards if you're trying to go pro (like me ^^). But what not many people know is magic takes a LOT of time. I used to spend like 5 hours a day with a deck of cards in my hands when I first started.... then 4 ~ 3 hours when I was more skilled. With that much time spent on magic, and money spent on cards, I thought that I just couldn't afford it anymore.


Anyway, that was all what I thought YESTERDAY. And I was going to declare my retirement from magic today, in a form of a blog post.


At 7pm TODAY, of ALL THE DAYS, a phone call came in, asking whether I can still perform, and whether I would like to perform (Oh of course I would like.... if I could), with that, all my intentions of quitting magic were swayed as if a 7th degree Earthquake hit them.


And now, I have one week to decide. To perform? or Not?

Such irony.... was it magic? was it a coincidence? or was it the will of God?

頭が。。。塞がった。。。

Hey there guys, it seemed like my blog kinda got stuck. I was actually planning to update on the Longhouse Trip that I went for, with the beautiful waterfalls and all..... But I don't know what actually happened to me, but I lost my ability to write.

My posts seem to get more and more boring, and I don't know what is it I'm missing.... that made me lose my ability to express...... my head recently..... is just blocked..... like a mental block.

Heh, I guess the Longhouse story will have to wait a bit..... for the meantime, I'll post about something else.

*************

Recently, I've been having mental blocks once in a while, it's feels like constipation, you know.... like there's so much in there, but it can't come out. But then again, you don't know WHAT's in there..... other than crap....

Recently also, I saw my cards..... lying in my drawer.... sitting together with my Add-Math II papers, which I haven't touched since last semester after my Math exam...... same goes for my cards..... I've barely touched them, and they're getting old..... new but old.....

And then it dawned on me. I've used more than hundreds of bucks on my cards; more than hours and weeks and month's of practice; and cramped my fingers countless times trying to do weird feats like card throwing and flipping and everything. Yet, am I going to give up on them? Right here, right now?

"Learn to Amaze", that was the word that captivated me. "That was it!" I thought, when I saw that phrase. "That was what I needed..." was all I knew. Then came another phrase "Magic Beyond Belief". That was it, I took it up, gave in my time, my effort, my heart, my trust.


What do YOU know about magic?


In today's world, magic proves to be solely for entertainment purpose I guess...... people today, they forget, they never realise.... how someone could jump from a plane without a parachute and not die; how someone could disappear behind a piece of cloth and appear in hawaii; how a hungry beggar could pull a hamburger out of Mc D's driveby menu; and even how magicians manage to turn back time..... just by the snap of their fingers.....

Then again, today's society think that magic is all tricks, that it is all lies, that all you need to know is "the Secret". Sorry to say, but that isn't it. Magic isn't a trick, it isn't a lie, and EVEN if you know "the Secret", you don't know Magic.

I myself believe, not everyone can learn magic. It's neither for the weak nor faint, nor the idiotic and lazy, nor the bone-breaking hardworking or Albert Einsteins'. It is for those who have the heart, not to learn, not to dedicate, but to Believe.



Okay, enough talk about the background of magic. K, I saw my cards, I remember what I used to do, what I used to like.... now what? I realised that I'd nearly forgotten what I used to love, what I used to feel like when performing, the sigh of relief and joy when seeing the word "Amazed" on the other's face.

What stopped me, what's holding me back, I don't know really...... but each time I see my cards, my heart hurts, my head hurts. Will I turn back time.....? (Same goes for my piano.... but that's another story)



まあ　まあ。。。。
人生に、　問題実に沢山いるよ。
俺何を待ち受けて？　自分も解かんね。
けど、段段に。。。　そろそろに。。。

時間が未だある。


じゃあ、　今日はここまで。

These hands..... where shall they lead me... what shall they do....

For quite a long time, I've wondered what would I have done if these hands.... this pair of right and left hands, which I've used for so long, worked with for so far, if anything were to happen to them one day, what will I do?

The many skills I've obtained, the many things I can do, all with these two hands, I use them, to build, make, create, play, and even amaze myself with them. But coming back to the very start.... all of these, none able to be done, without this pair of right and left of mine.


But lately, somehow.... these hands, are they failing me? I do not know. But being away from everything and everyone, I guess my mind somehow lost its motivation to keep my hands going.

This week when I arrived back in KK.... the first thing I saw, and remembered when I entered my house. "My Piano....", "How long has it been.... one month..... .... It'll be even longer after I leave this time. The next time I'll be able to touch it is end of November. Will I still be able to play, will I still be able to express myself with the piano, like I used to do....."

But even now.... I can't even play any whole song right anymore. Having lost touch with my piano for one sem, and only replaced with one month's holiday back, and now..... I'm starting to think whether I should quit my piano. Yet, everytime I think of quitting, "Is it worth.... all these years... just like that?", that's what comes to my mind.

Besides my piano, my magic. What's wrong lately, my performances have dropped dramatically. I can't perform well, having pauses here and there, pondering what I should perform, do next. Wondering, wandering, my mind lacks control of these hands lately. I just can't seem to do things as good and as swiftly as I was able to.

Many other skills....... I seem to have lost count, lost touch. All of them, left in the back of my memory, left behind, forgotten.


I wonder what's the reason behind all this. Do I lack motivation? Do I need someone to teach me? Or is it just me, is it just something at the back playing with my mind? Or am I just a little too bothered by other things lately??

それが解からない。。。全然解からん。。。。。